Introduction
After the burial begins the seven days of mourning (Shiva). Seven days during which certain customs apply to you.
- If you were not present at the burial, but you are in the vicinity, the seven days begin after you have received the information that the burial has ended. If you are in a distant place and do not intend to attend the funeral, mourning laws apply to you immediately when you hear of your loved one’s death.
These seven days will not be routine for you. Your personal mourning, along with the visitors who come to comfort and encourage you, and the rules that Judaism sets for you during these days, do not make them ‘preferred’ days.
Considering this, Judaism gives you options to shorten:
- If the burial was completed before sunset, the mourner should accept mourning by removing his shoes or sitting on the ground, or a low place – in doing so you officially begin the seven days, and this day is considered one of the seven days, because the day that is now ending at dusk, will already count as one of the days. If more than 22 minutes have passed since sunset, start the seven days at home, and do not count the past day as one of the days.
- The last day of Shiva is a very short day. Already in the morning, you can end the ShivAnswer The small part of the day that you sat in mourning can be considered as a whole day.
- If one of the Jewish holidays (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover, Shavuot) falls within your seven days of mourning, the moment the holiday begins, the seven days end – even if the holiday fell just hours after you started sitting Shiva, the holiday completely cancels the seven days of mourning.
- If the burial was on one of the intermediate days of a festival, mourning customs are not openly observed after the burial, instead, they wait until the end of the holiday, and then begin to sit.
Where do we sit?
It is best to spend the seven days at the deceased’s home, where his spirit still resides during these seven days.
If it’s not feasible to stay in this house for any reason, such as it being too small to accommodate all family members together or the visitors during these days, it is possible to sit in another house.
- It is highly recommended that all mourners sit together in one house.
When planning where to sit, consider the following:
- You are going to be in this house for seven consecutive days, including meals and sleep. Make sure the house is comfortable enough for such a long and continuous stay.
- If you are several family members or expecting a large number of people to come to comfort you, make sure the size of the house is suitable for that. You also need to take into account that you have to bring more chairs, food, etc. into the house – which will reduce the living space in the house.
- Often the deceased’s house is in a different place from where you live and you do not know anyone there. If you think you will need significant help from ‘outside’ people, it is advisable to stay in a place where you have acquaintances who can help you with what you need.
You don’t have a place to sleep in the house where you sit shiva?
You can travel to a place where you can sleep, but it is recommended to do so at night when people are not wandering outside, and also to return when people are not wandering outside.
Preparing the house for Shiva
Sometimes this preparation requires significant logistics. If you have good friends, try to get their help. If they are very good, it is recommended that they take care of everything so that you can be free for your mourning.
You need to take care of:
- Chairs for mourners and guests.
- Note: There are organizations that lend low chairs to mourners, look for the organization closest to you.
- A place to sleep for all mourning family members.
- Clear large objects and furniture that can be moved, to create more space for you and your guests.
- Light refreshments and drinks for the guests who will come.
- Cover the mirrors and pictures in the house.
- And most importantly: find a true friend or a family member – someone who can feel at home with you and take care of everything you need even without your direct instruction for everything – they will take care of changing things: food for you and the other mourners, basic cleaning of the house, and more.
- Note: If you hold prayers in the deceased’s house, you need to take care of a few more things (see later in ‘Prayers in the Deceased’s House’, on page 110).
Rules of the ‘Shiva’:
- During the seven days, make sure there is a soul candle lit in the house, today you can get a weekly candle that burns throughout the shiva.
- Note: It’s good to keep a candle lit in the deceased’s house and in the children’s house throughout the first year after the passing.
- Try not to perform actions that will distract you from your mourning.
- Try to ensure that the chair you sit on does not exceed 24 cm in height. Those who are not in good health and sitting at this height and under these conditions is difficult for them, can sit as usual.
- Do not wear shoes made of leather (even if only part of them is made of leather). You can wear cloth, rubber, crocs, and similar shoes.
- Do not get a haircut or shave, and do not cut nails.
- Do not bathe if the reason for it is for pleasure or just habit. If the bathing is due to sweat or other dirt – it is permitted. Tooth brushing is allowed.
- Changing clothes? Better to wait until the end of the shivAnswer If there is no choice and you are forced to change – if you are mourning one of your parents, you also need to tear it. If you are mourning another family member, there is no need to tear it too.
- Do not wear makeup, and do not wear jewelry (except a wedding ring).
- Do not engage in sexual relations.
- Even though you are a very busy person, try to take a break from your work for these days. If your business needs you to ‘hunt’, consult a rabbi about what to do. Home chores (such as cooking, baking, cleaning) are allowed.
- During the shiva, try to minimize leaving the house where you sit. If you want to pray in a minyan and you do not have one at home, you can go out to the synagogue, and on condition that it is not too far away.
Mourning on Shabbat
Shabbat is a day of joy, and therefore mourning is minimized on this day. The rule is as follows: Anything from the customs of mourning that is done in public places – should not be done, but inside the house, the atmosphere of mourning should be maintained.
- Mourning should be interrupted as close to Shabbat as possible.
- Before the start of Shabbat, the torn mourning clothes should be replaced with Shabbat clothes.
- It is permissible to go to the synagogue even when prayers can be observed at home.
- During Shabbat, continue to observe the mourning customs that are not conspicuous: Do not engage in marital relations and do not study Torah.
- At the end of Shabbat, the Shabbat clothes should be replaced with the mourning clothes as soon as possible and return to all the rules of the ‘shivah’ (seven days of mourning).
- If Purim falls within the shivah, it should be observed according to the rules applicable to Shabbat.
The seven days in which you are in mourning are days when you mourn something that has passed from the world. Try to use the seven days for future benefit: Think about life and its meaning, your weaknesses, or the bad deeds you have done, and try to resolve to improve and better your actions in the future.
Prayers at the mourner’s house
During the seven days when you must stay at home and mourn for your loved ones, your friends and relatives will do their best to ease your burden and assist you. Even with the Kaddish (mourner’s prayer) that you need to recite, they can help you by arranging a minyan (a quorum of ten Jewish men over the age of 13) for prayer in your home.
- If you are familiar with the wording and style of the prayer, it is best that you yourself be the ‘shaliach tzibur’ (the cantor) and lead the prayer.
- In prayers held at the mourner’s house, the sections of the prayer known as “tachanun“ are not recited.
- After the Shacharit (morning) and Mincha (afternoon) prayers, you should read Chapter 49 from the Book of Psalms, followed by the mourners reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish.
- If you hold prayers at your home, you need to ensure you have:
- Kippahs – for guests who wish to join the prayer and do not have a kippah.
- Prayer books.
- A Torah scroll (for weekdays when the Torah is read – Monday, Thursday, Rosh Chodesh, Chanukah, Purim).
- A respectful place to place the Torah scroll.
- If you are unable to bring a Torah scroll to your home or do not have a safe and respectful place to store it, you can go to the synagogue on those days.
Studying Mishnah
The best thing that can be done for the deceased is to study the Mishnah – a book composed by the sages of Israel approximately 1800 years ago. Today, there are good books that give you the ability to study and understand the Mishnah in a good and easy way. The book is divided into Mishnahs – small sections of several lines, which gives you the ability to ‘grab’ a Mishnah at any time you find appropriate.
The study of the Mishnah (‘Mishnah’ spells ‘Neshamah’ in Hebrew), has a special influence on the soul, and the power to save it from spiritual punishments that the soul could receive after it leaves the world.
Try to increase the study of the Mishnah during your entire mourning period (only after the seven days of mourning have passed).
