What is Family Purity?
“Family Purity” refers to God’s framework for Jewish practice regarding a woman’s menstrual cycle and intimate relationship with her husband. Conducting family life in this way is at the very heart of the Jewish family experience.
In short:
One of the husband’s obligations to his wife (he commits to the obligation when he signs the marriage contract under the wedding canopy) includes the intimate relations between them. Yes, God commands this in the Torah. Not only that, but the first commandment in the list of 613 Torah commandments is, “be fertile and increase, fill the earth and master it.”
Yet intimacy is not always permitted. During menstruation and for several days after (and occasionally on other days) God forbids physical touch between husband and wife. The Torah says, “When a woman has a discharge, her discharge being blood from her body, she shall remain in her menstrual separation seven days; whoever touches her shall be impure until evening.” (Leviticus 15:19). Relations are permitted and become a mitzvah again only after menstruation ceases and the woman carries out a process of ritual purification which includes immersing in a kosher mikveh (ritual bath).
This system of practices regarding a woman’s menstrual cycle and purification, which includes practices carried out mainly by the woman, is called “Family Purity.”
Why is Family Purity a good thing?
In addition to its status as a mitzvah – reason enough to observe the practices – the practice of Family Purity has several unmistakable benefits:
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- Many marriages suffer from fatigue. A shared life, over time, can lose a level of excitement for the marital relationship – like any other long-term situation – and can lead to a lack of vitality and joy in the home. When the marital relationship is built on the practice of Family Purity, with breaks in conjugal relations that last approximately two weeks at a time, the relationship is refreshed and renewed each time the process of purification takes place – and this safeguards the excitement and desire that husband and wife feel for each other.
- A marital relationship that is pure has a deep effect on the spiritual future of the children it produces. It may be impossible to sense or measure this effect, but it will have an impact on your children’s spiritual fulfillment and their relationship with God.
- Medical research has shown that women who practice Family Purity have a lower incidence of cervical diseases.
“Family Purity” includes a wide range of nuanced topics, many of which are layered with additional stringencies. In this volume we focus on basic practices without added stringencies.
If you would like to learn more about Family Purity and study in a more enhanced, personal way, it’s best to advise with a Rabbi or teacher who can guide you!
How does it work?
During the days in which conjugal relations are prohibited, the woman is deemed ritually impure.
What is “impurity”?
Impurity is not a negative word. It describes a spiritual state which cannot be seen but exists to a degree in the lives of each and every one of us – men and women. For example, a person who is in close physical proximity to a deceased person (because he visited a cemetery or was in a hospital room when someone passed) carries a degree of impurity. Today, it is nearly impossible to find someone who has not walked near a grave or cemetery. This physical proximity to death deems a person impure. What does this say about us? Are we “less good” because of it? Of course not. The only implication of this spiritual status is that, if the Temple (the holiest place in the world) stood today in all its glory, we would not be permitted to enter its gates without undergoing a prolonged process of purification.
There are several types of impurity, and menstrual impurity is an additional and greater level of impurity than that caused by proximity to death. Its main implication today is the prohibition for a married couple to conduct conjugal relations – relations which Judaism sees as holy when they are conducted in purity between a married couple.
What causes a woman to be “impure”?
Any blood that is emitted from a woman’s uterus causes her to be impure, even one small drop. It doesn’t matter why the blood was emitted (though it should be ascertained whether it is in fact blood or simply another kind of discharge).
- If you see a stain on your undergarments and are unsure whether its color indicates that it is blood or discharge, or whether or not it is uterine blood, advise with an experienced rabbi.
Hymenal Bleeding
When a virgin has relations for the first time, she is forbidden to her husband immediately after the relations. If there is further bleeding from the hymen in the future, she will again be forbidden to her husband.
Distant but together
A woman who has seen uterine blood is forbidden from having conjugal relations with her husband and from exchanging any kind of affectionate touch with him.
Our sages, who did not want a married couple to transgress and touch each other during the period of impurity, recommended that couples refrain from certain practices during this period so that they won’t be drawn naturally to physical touch. For example:
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- It is best to refrain from touching each other at all, even in a neutral way or without affection.
- Do not have intimate conversations with each other or go on romantic outings together.
These examples are just a small taste, but our sages suggested many practices to prevent prohibited touch.
The stringent practices that were developed by the sages may seem to go beyond what would obviously lead to temptation. The sages chose to be more stringent with Family Purity than with other prohibitions because they felt that the boundaries in this area had to be stronger than in others. Why? Because the sexual desire imprinted on us by God is so strong that human beings may not always succeed in confining it the boundaries of what the Torah permits. Therefore, they felt it was necessary to create boundaries that separate a husband and wife even further from temptation and the possibility of transgression. That way, even if a couple crosses a line, they won’t transgress prohibitions from the Torah itself.
The sages didn’t “go easy on us,” they added many more situations – situations that they felt were intimate and could potentially lead to touch – even the smallest touch.
- Even if you feel that you have so much self-control that you can stay detached and “matter of fact” in some of the situations that the sages prohibited – even if you think they won’t affect you or lead you to touch, do not rely on your self-control. Not everything is prone to self-control. Don’t take the chance.
Q: I’m not as young as I once was, and it’s been several years since my last period. Does any of this apply to me?
A: Definitely. A woman who did not undergo the process of purification, even if it’s been several years since her last period, is considered impure and physical touch with her husband is prohibited. Only after the process of purification – which she’ll carry out only once because she won’t have another period and won’t become impure again – will relations be permitted.
The process of purification
With the onset of your period, a process begins which will ultimately being you back to a state of “purity.” The stages in this process include:
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- Confirmation that bleeding has ceased – the first stage of the purification process is to ascertain that bleeding has completely stopped. A woman must carry out a gentle internal inspection with a soft white cloth to check that there is no more uterine blood.
- Seven clean days – after a woman confirms that bleeding has stopped, she must wait seven days during which she confirms that there is no further bleeding, and she is indeed “ritually clean.”
- Immersion (in a mikveh/ritual bath) – the last stage in the purification process is immersion. After a woman ascertains that bleeding has stopped and has counted seven ritually clean days, she must prepare herself to immerse in a mikveh, a ritual pool of water. The immersion is only effective if there is no barrier between her body and the waters of the mikveh. Therefore, she must carry out a process of bathing, inspecting, and removing various barriers from her body. These preparations are called chafifah in Jewish law. After the preparations, she immerses in the mikveh and is ritually purified.
It is important to take note of when your period begins. This could have significant consequences on the process of purification that occurs later. Use a dedicated calendar where you can take on details that you need to remember. Today, you can download apps (like My Mikvah Calendar) that will guide you throughout the days of the purification process.
